


you’re my best friend, i’ll love you forever

by anniebrackett



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, Slight Canon Divergence, a mixed bag of fluff and angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 00:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19239862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anniebrackett/pseuds/anniebrackett
Summary: Judy only ever plans to become Jen’s friend. She just wants to provide support from a distance, to make sure Jen and the boys are okay, to have some minuscule positive impact on their lives after everything else she’s done.But then Jen offers her a place in her home, a place with her children, a life so intertwined with hers that Judy can barely breathe.She hates it almost as much as she loves it.





	you’re my best friend, i’ll love you forever

Steve has always told Judy that chaos tends to follow her wherever she goes.

It’s only after he screams it in her face after she runs a man over that she starts to think he might have a point.

\-------------------------------

She meets Jen at a grief support group. As far as Jen is concerned, it’s a happy accident.

Judy smiles and feels like she’s going to collapse from the strain of keeping up appearances. She tells herself that the lies she’s adding to her plate are worth it if they mean making amends.

(Jen smiles back at her and Judy starts to feel like they’re worth it for an entirely different reason)

\-------------------------------

Judy only ever plans to become Jen’s friend. She just wants to provide support from a distance, to make sure Jen and the boys are okay, to have some minuscule positive impact on their lives after everything else she’s done.

But then Jen offers her a place in her home, a place with her children, a life so intertwined with hers that Judy can barely breathe.

She hates it almost as much as she loves it.

She can’t shake the feeling that she’s building an entire family based on lies, that it isn’t even her family to begin with. She killed a man and then inserted herself into his space in his wife’s and children’s lives, there’s no escaping that.

But then Henry falls asleep on the sofa with his head on her shoulder. And Charlie asks for help with his homework. And Jen kisses the top of her head, along with the boys, on her way to work in the morning. And Judy feels at home, rather than a stranger living somebody else’s life, for as long as the moment lasts.

\-------------------------------

It’s a quiet Saturday morning in the Harding (and Hale) household. Charlie is still in bed, while Henry is running across the backyard in a way that has Jen considering making mimosas a part of their family breakfasts. Judy, who by this point would normally be roping Henry into helping her tidy up the kitchen for his mother, is instead giving her pancakes the thousand-yard stare.

Jen takes a moment to watch her blink sleepily before she breaks the silence.

“If it would help, I could stay with you tonight.” The forced nonchalance of her tone catches Judy’s attention before the actual words do.

“I’m okay, Jen, really,” Judy responds after a beat, smiling in a way that she hopes is reassuring.

Jen pushes her plate away and sits up straighter.

“Look. I’ve been – I’ve been having nightmares. More lately than usual,” she explains, staring at a spot on the wall instead of looking at Judy. “I think it could be good for both of us. Just for a little while.”

 Judy stands and starts clearing the dishes, giving the moment the casual treatment Jen needs when showing vulnerability.

“It would,” she says slowly, allowing herself some time to weigh the options. Jen shifts anxiously in her seat at the island, and Judy grips the edge of the counter to keep from reaching out to reassure her.

She’s taking advantage of the situation enough as it is without climbing into bed with Jen. But Judy has never been very good at self control, especially not when she wants something as badly as this.

“Okay,” she finally answers. She’s smiling again, but it’s softer this time. Jen breathes out what she must think is a discreet sigh of relief and Judy’s remaining shred of control crumbles. She reaches across the space between them, wrapping a hand around Jen’s wrist and squeezing gently.

“I do have one question, though.”

When Jen looks up at her, Judy waggles her eyebrows suggestively. “Your place or mine?”

 Jen rolls her eyes and waves her off, fighting back a smile. Judy swears her heart has never felt more full.

\-------------------------------

Judy wakes up to Jen kicking in her sleep, her hands grabbing fistfuls of sheets.

“Hey, hey, come back to me,” Judy grabs her shoulder and shakes her awake. “It’s okay. It’s just a dream.”

Jen blinks and looks at her, her gaze bleary and confused. “It was you.”

Judy’s heart comes to a dead stop in her chest.

“What?”

“I dreamt it was you who got hit.”

Judy hates herself for feeling relieved.

“I’m right here. I’m alright.” Her smile is a little crooked and a lot watery. “Go back to sleep, okay? I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Jen intertwines their hands, something she won’t dare to mention in the morning, and slowly drifts back to sleep.

Judy stays awake for the rest of the night.

\-------------------------------

As it turns out, Ted was no saint. Although Judy is very aware of the fact that this doesn’t absolve her of anything, Jen takes it as a go-ahead to push Judy flat onto her back in the middle of the bed and kiss her senseless.

Judy gives as good as she gets.

The ever-present guilt starts to creep up, reminding her that she killed somebody and is now about to fuck his wife in what was once his bed, but then Jen takes her shirt off without fear, trusting Judy wholly, and the feeling dissipates.

(She mouths _you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful_ against Jen’s skin as many times as she can get away with)

\-------------------------------

They’re driving down the coast, blaring music with the windows down. Jen is in the driver’s seat, her hair moving with the breeze, wearing sunglasses and an easy smile whenever she glances over at Judy. She looks in control. Judy doesn’t think she’s ever been more attracted to her.

She’s in the middle of weighing the pros and cons of asking Jen to pull over and get in the backseat when Jen turns down the music. “You’re my best friend, you know?”

Judy opens and closes her mouth, realizing that what she was considering saying would be entirely inappropriate now, when it hits her suddenly. Where she says it freely, more frequently now than ever, this is as close as Jen can get, at least for now, to an ‘I love you’.

She reaches across the console, tucking windswept blonde hair behind Jen’s ear, leaving her hand resting somewhere on the back of her neck. “You’re mine, too.”

\-------------------------------

Somewhere around the time she starts sharing a bed with Jen, Judy takes on the responsibility of reading to Henry before bed. He’s on the cusp of being too old for it, but having the company before bed helps him sleep easier, and Judy likes being able to experience something she’ll never have with children of her own.

She’ll never say it out loud, but having a nightly routine that involves snuggling up with the youngest Harding before falling into bed with his mother feels like everything she’s been waiting for.

It’s during one of these nights, several weeks into their new normal, when Henry cuts her off mid-sentence, just as the story is getting good. “I’m really happy you live with us, Judy. I know they don’t say it, but mom and Charlie are, too.”

Judy’s eyes well up, her chin wobbling ever-so-slightly.

“I love being here, Hen,” she responds once she gets her emotions under control, pressing a quick kiss to the top of his head in the process. “I love you guys so very much.”

Henry nods, seemingly satisfied with her answer, and Judy continues with the story where she left off. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Jen in the doorway, but she knows if she looks over at her she’ll lose the faint grasp she has on the situation.

(“Henry was right, you know. We’re better with you here.”

“Mm, I knew I was making you soft.”

“Shut the fuck up and get in bed.”)

\-------------------------------

They’re in the middle of taking the Mustang apart when Steve comes onto her. Judy doesn’t even have the time to register what’s happening before she’s shoving him away.

(It dawns on her, later, that it’s the first time she’s ever done that)

“I can’t – I’m not –” She’s struggling to find a way to explain the situation she’s gotten herself into. He beats her to the punch.

“Jesus Christ, you’re in love with her.”

She swallows hard, the “I’m sorry” on the tip of her tongue. She doesn’t let it slip.

If he’s waiting for it, if he’s surprised when it doesn’t come, he doesn’t show it.

They settle into silence and all Judy wants is to go home.  

\-------------------------------

Going into this – whatever _this_ is – Judy swore to herself that the entire point is to be there when Jen needs her.

But then Jen sees pictures of the accident, immediately calling the one person she trusts to see her when she’s falling apart, and Judy isn’t there. Judy is too busy covering her own ass to pick up the phone.

Instead, she has to hear Jen’s pleas for her to _just be there_ over a voicemail message.

“ _Judy, hi. I really need to talk to you. I think you're the only person who would understand. I'm – I'm at the station, and I saw – I saw pictures of Ted after the accident, and I thought I could handle it, and I'm – I don't think I'm handling it now. Please, can you just call me back? I guess – I just. I need you._ ”

Alone in the guest house for the night after being justifiably reamed out by Jen – “ _The last time someone that I loved didn't call me back, he was dead_ ” – Judy is left to replay the message. It serves as both a punishment and a reminder.

\-------------------------------

The evidence is piling up and Judy is spinning out of control.

It’s more than she ever thought she could handle, more than she’s ever wanted to handle. On top of the ever-increasing guilt, and her ever-increasing feelings for the family she’s gained from this, Judy feels like she’s never going to be able to stop spinning; like she’s never going to be able to just stand still again.

 “I keep trying to find the person to blame, and I drove him away. I hit him. I fucking hit him.”

Jen is crying and confessing every wrong thing she did that night. Judy realizes that it’s time for her to do the same.

(She’ll swear, later, that the universe heard her dilemma, opened the window of opportunity, and then kicked her through it without a safety net)

“No, I hit him.”

Judy thought she’d prepared herself, on some level, for this moment. But the look on Jen’s face, the way that look breaks her heart, shows her she wasn’t prepared in the slightest.

She wasn’t prepared to love Jen this much, she wasn’t prepared to love the boys, and she wasn’t prepared to lose it all in less than a minute.

\-------------------------------

“I love you.”

“I fucking hate you.”

\-------------------------------

With everything having blown up in her face – _finally_ , her subconscious sighs – Judy is left to crawl around on her knees and pick up the pieces of her life. The only upside to this is that she hopes Jen can finally have some closure, knowing who did it.

She used to look at Jen and feel a pressing weight of guilt, coupled with admiration for her strength and love for who she is as a mother, and a friend, and a person.

Now all Judy can see is what she almost had – no, what she _had_ , and ruined.

 Now all she feels is loss.

\-------------------------------

Judy reaches the decision that throwing herself in front of a car would be the next best course of action. It would be poetic, really. It would be justice for Jen, and the kids, in the rawest sense. An eye for an eye.

Her phone rings before she can get the chance.

“Judy, I need you to come home.”

\-------------------------------

Steve has always told Judy that chaos tends to follow her wherever she goes. But now he’s dead, his body floating in the pool, and Jen is shaking next to her.

There are so many questions she should be asking right now: _What happened? Where are the boys? What are we going to do?_

Instead, she reaches out for Jen’s hand, barely manages to swallow past the lump in her throat, and says, “Jen, I love you.”

Jen nods, opening her mouth to respond before snapping it shut. She squeezes Judy’s hand instead, using the connection as an anchor.

It feels something like forgiveness.


End file.
